DIVORCE AND BLENDED FAMILIES

Alright guys, this is going to be the last post. My class ended this week. Maybe sometime in the future I'll make a real blog that actually talks about my life. Anyway back to the subject. We were talking about making a blended family after having a divorce and Brother Williams stated that remarried couples are less likely to make it than first time marriage. That statistic took me by surprise at first but it makes sense when you think about it. We also talked about how step-parents should enter the family. We talked about how a step-parent needs to not be like a biological parent, but that they should act more like good aunt or uncle, someone who does not take the lead on discipline, in fact the biological parent should be the one who does all of the hard discipline. Plus, they should always inform the biological parent about what happens. The couple, though, should talk together behind closed doors so that they can be on the same page. This is because the children will listen to the biological parent more than the step-parent. Well, have a great life I might write again much later...

PARENTING

This week we've been talking about parenting and problem-handling during parenting. I found it interesting that at one point during our discussion Brother Williams said that parents have the potential to learn as much as they did from the 0-18 years while they were growing up, while raising their children. A lot of the time they don't take the time to be with their children and learn important things. We also talked a lot about how to handle problems with your children and helping to teach children how to contribute, because a child needs to feel as though they are contributing. Adults do to. Have you ever gone to someone's house for an extended amount of time and they don't let you help with cooking, or dishes, or whatever else there is to do? It makes you feel out of place doesn't it? It's the same for children. They need to feel like they are needed and can contribute to what goes on around the house.

WORK

I have learned over the course of my life that work is good and important. I have my parents to thank for that. Every Saturday of my life was spent picking up sticks, weeding the garden, and cleaning the house. On special Saturdays we would get to cut down a tree, plant flowers and vegetables, chop fire wood, or clean out the garage. That was just physical work, though, my parents also taught me the importance of cognitive and spiritual work. We read our scriptures and did our homework - there was no questions about doing it or not, we just did. We were also expected to get good grades.

In class we were talking about how work has changed in the history of the world. It used to be that families worked together on farms and grew their own food and worked together for whatever they needed. Sons saw what the fathers did and daughters saw what the mothers did. Everyone saw the other people's contributions. These days the dad leaves for most of the day and no one gets to see what he does. He does not get to see his wife and work and she doesn't get to see him, so at the end of the day both people think that they have been working so hard and can't figure out why the other person is so lazy.

Another thing is that we have started working only for the money. we trade our time with our families for money to buy a big house or a new car or whatever else we want so that we can spend more time as  a family, but it doesn't work that way. Children are not going to want to spend time with you if you haven't been spending time with them. That goes for everyone.

There was an old 20/20 about the average dual earner household and they found all of the averages and then picked a couple who was at the average. They followed this couple for a while and also had an accountant add up their expenses and stuff to see if it was actually worth having two people in a job. This family had two boys, a dad who worked about 45 hours a week and averaged about $42,000 a year, and a mom who worked about 32 hours a week and averaged about 30,000 a year. They met with an accountant who added up all of their expenses: after school program for boys (because mom was working), eating out (because there was no time for dinner usually), extra curricular activities for boys...

The accountant totaled everything up and discovered that their actual yearly income was $40,500. The couple was so surprised because the mom only took the job so that her children could have the things they needed, but it showed that she was spending time away from her sons for nothing. They were gaining less than they would if just the dad was working.

Work used to be about life, but now life seems to be about work. Let's change that.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is SUPER important. Even when you are not talking you are still communicating and so we need to be careful to make sure we are not "saying" anything that we shouldn't and that we are letting other people know that we care about them. The words we say only account for 14% of our communication. 35% is from our tone and a HUGE 51% comes from non-verbal (our actions). When we get angry we a lot of the time say or do things that we don't mean. In Ephesians 4:29 it says not to let any corrupt communication come out of our mouths, but only that which is edifying so that it ministers grace unto people. Grace is something that we do not deserve that is given to us as a gift. If we have this mindset we will communicate better with people and leave them feeling happy instead of sad. This is especially important for marriage. In the same chapter verse 26 basically says not to go to bed angry. That is really great advise for couples. Also couples and families need to take the time to council with each other and follow the council method set up by the brethren:

Start with prayer

Make sure everyone is on the same page

Have a clear structure

Listen to each person and let everyone have an opportunity to speak until all reach a general consensus

 Close with prayer

Have refreshments 

This should be done weekly so that everyone feels good about sharing things and also so that it doesn't only happen when people are mad or there is a problem that needs to be fixed.

STRESS IN MARRIAGE

Every marriage will come upon numerous situations that add a lot of stress. It's how we get through the stress that helps us become better people and strengthen our marriage. In Chinese there are two symbols that spell the word "crisis":

the first symbol means "danger" and the second symbol means "opportunity" showing that when there is danger (or a stressor) there is also an opportunity for growth and development.

There is something called the ABCX model where A (actual event), plus B (both the resources and how the resources are applied), plus C (cognitions - how we think about it) equals X (the total experience). How we think about our problems plays a huge role in how we react to them.

One last tidbit is a quote from President Monson: "We cannot control the winds, but we can control our sails."

PHYSICAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Physical intimacy in marriage is good and important. However, it needs to be guarded by the husband and wife. They need to make sure that they keep it between only them. Some ways to do this are:

•  Being fiercely loyal
• Not be alone with the opposite gender
• Set emotional boundaries

We can take a lesson from the ancient city of Babylon. That city was very well protected, the walls were 335 feet high, and 85 feet thick. The circumference of the city was 56 miles. Yet it was brought down in one day. We may think that we are protecting our sacred union, but if we drop our guard for even a little bit we could be destroyed.

BOUNDARIES

It is important for the husband and wife to set clear boundaries around their little family unit, even before they're married and after they start having children. To begin with the couple should plan their wedding in a way that will prepare them for their married life. For example, the husband and wife should plan their wedding together and make all of the decisions together. This will help them set a clear boundary around them as a couple. They should also only focus on what is important with the wedding and not having a super extravagant one, this will help them learn budgeting and keep them out of debt to their parents. Also when a couple starts having children it can put a lot of strain on their marriage. There is something called "gatekeeping" that we talk a lot about in my child development classes which is where when the baby is born the mother becomes in control of everything and makes all the decisions, this forces the dad to fall into the background and then it just becomes a cycle where the dad doesn't participate much which makes the mom make more decisions and force the dad out which makes him participate less. In conclusion; it's a bad thing. However, couples can work around that. They can keep the boundary around themselves solid, even when their children start coming. They can do this by having the dad participate in the doctors appointments, and birthing classes, and the woman can talk about what's happening in her and how she's feeling about it with her husband.