DIVORCE AND BLENDED FAMILIES

Alright guys, this is going to be the last post. My class ended this week. Maybe sometime in the future I'll make a real blog that actually talks about my life. Anyway back to the subject. We were talking about making a blended family after having a divorce and Brother Williams stated that remarried couples are less likely to make it than first time marriage. That statistic took me by surprise at first but it makes sense when you think about it. We also talked about how step-parents should enter the family. We talked about how a step-parent needs to not be like a biological parent, but that they should act more like good aunt or uncle, someone who does not take the lead on discipline, in fact the biological parent should be the one who does all of the hard discipline. Plus, they should always inform the biological parent about what happens. The couple, though, should talk together behind closed doors so that they can be on the same page. This is because the children will listen to the biological parent more than the step-parent. Well, have a great life I might write again much later...

PARENTING

This week we've been talking about parenting and problem-handling during parenting. I found it interesting that at one point during our discussion Brother Williams said that parents have the potential to learn as much as they did from the 0-18 years while they were growing up, while raising their children. A lot of the time they don't take the time to be with their children and learn important things. We also talked a lot about how to handle problems with your children and helping to teach children how to contribute, because a child needs to feel as though they are contributing. Adults do to. Have you ever gone to someone's house for an extended amount of time and they don't let you help with cooking, or dishes, or whatever else there is to do? It makes you feel out of place doesn't it? It's the same for children. They need to feel like they are needed and can contribute to what goes on around the house.

WORK

I have learned over the course of my life that work is good and important. I have my parents to thank for that. Every Saturday of my life was spent picking up sticks, weeding the garden, and cleaning the house. On special Saturdays we would get to cut down a tree, plant flowers and vegetables, chop fire wood, or clean out the garage. That was just physical work, though, my parents also taught me the importance of cognitive and spiritual work. We read our scriptures and did our homework - there was no questions about doing it or not, we just did. We were also expected to get good grades.

In class we were talking about how work has changed in the history of the world. It used to be that families worked together on farms and grew their own food and worked together for whatever they needed. Sons saw what the fathers did and daughters saw what the mothers did. Everyone saw the other people's contributions. These days the dad leaves for most of the day and no one gets to see what he does. He does not get to see his wife and work and she doesn't get to see him, so at the end of the day both people think that they have been working so hard and can't figure out why the other person is so lazy.

Another thing is that we have started working only for the money. we trade our time with our families for money to buy a big house or a new car or whatever else we want so that we can spend more time as  a family, but it doesn't work that way. Children are not going to want to spend time with you if you haven't been spending time with them. That goes for everyone.

There was an old 20/20 about the average dual earner household and they found all of the averages and then picked a couple who was at the average. They followed this couple for a while and also had an accountant add up their expenses and stuff to see if it was actually worth having two people in a job. This family had two boys, a dad who worked about 45 hours a week and averaged about $42,000 a year, and a mom who worked about 32 hours a week and averaged about 30,000 a year. They met with an accountant who added up all of their expenses: after school program for boys (because mom was working), eating out (because there was no time for dinner usually), extra curricular activities for boys...

The accountant totaled everything up and discovered that their actual yearly income was $40,500. The couple was so surprised because the mom only took the job so that her children could have the things they needed, but it showed that she was spending time away from her sons for nothing. They were gaining less than they would if just the dad was working.

Work used to be about life, but now life seems to be about work. Let's change that.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is SUPER important. Even when you are not talking you are still communicating and so we need to be careful to make sure we are not "saying" anything that we shouldn't and that we are letting other people know that we care about them. The words we say only account for 14% of our communication. 35% is from our tone and a HUGE 51% comes from non-verbal (our actions). When we get angry we a lot of the time say or do things that we don't mean. In Ephesians 4:29 it says not to let any corrupt communication come out of our mouths, but only that which is edifying so that it ministers grace unto people. Grace is something that we do not deserve that is given to us as a gift. If we have this mindset we will communicate better with people and leave them feeling happy instead of sad. This is especially important for marriage. In the same chapter verse 26 basically says not to go to bed angry. That is really great advise for couples. Also couples and families need to take the time to council with each other and follow the council method set up by the brethren:

Start with prayer

Make sure everyone is on the same page

Have a clear structure

Listen to each person and let everyone have an opportunity to speak until all reach a general consensus

 Close with prayer

Have refreshments 

This should be done weekly so that everyone feels good about sharing things and also so that it doesn't only happen when people are mad or there is a problem that needs to be fixed.

STRESS IN MARRIAGE

Every marriage will come upon numerous situations that add a lot of stress. It's how we get through the stress that helps us become better people and strengthen our marriage. In Chinese there are two symbols that spell the word "crisis":

the first symbol means "danger" and the second symbol means "opportunity" showing that when there is danger (or a stressor) there is also an opportunity for growth and development.

There is something called the ABCX model where A (actual event), plus B (both the resources and how the resources are applied), plus C (cognitions - how we think about it) equals X (the total experience). How we think about our problems plays a huge role in how we react to them.

One last tidbit is a quote from President Monson: "We cannot control the winds, but we can control our sails."

PHYSICAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Physical intimacy in marriage is good and important. However, it needs to be guarded by the husband and wife. They need to make sure that they keep it between only them. Some ways to do this are:

•  Being fiercely loyal
• Not be alone with the opposite gender
• Set emotional boundaries

We can take a lesson from the ancient city of Babylon. That city was very well protected, the walls were 335 feet high, and 85 feet thick. The circumference of the city was 56 miles. Yet it was brought down in one day. We may think that we are protecting our sacred union, but if we drop our guard for even a little bit we could be destroyed.

BOUNDARIES

It is important for the husband and wife to set clear boundaries around their little family unit, even before they're married and after they start having children. To begin with the couple should plan their wedding in a way that will prepare them for their married life. For example, the husband and wife should plan their wedding together and make all of the decisions together. This will help them set a clear boundary around them as a couple. They should also only focus on what is important with the wedding and not having a super extravagant one, this will help them learn budgeting and keep them out of debt to their parents. Also when a couple starts having children it can put a lot of strain on their marriage. There is something called "gatekeeping" that we talk a lot about in my child development classes which is where when the baby is born the mother becomes in control of everything and makes all the decisions, this forces the dad to fall into the background and then it just becomes a cycle where the dad doesn't participate much which makes the mom make more decisions and force the dad out which makes him participate less. In conclusion; it's a bad thing. However, couples can work around that. They can keep the boundary around themselves solid, even when their children start coming. They can do this by having the dad participate in the doctors appointments, and birthing classes, and the woman can talk about what's happening in her and how she's feeling about it with her husband.

DATING

This is not going to be a long post, but I just wanted to jot down some key points from my class this week. We have been talking about dating with the mindset of BEING married rather than GETTING married. There are a few stages that we should go through before getting married.

1. Dating: many different activities with several different people, we should go on a lot of dates with different people every time. This helps us socialize and prepares us for marriage. There are 3 P's of dating
          Paired off      this prepares men to          Protect
          Paid for         this prepares men to          Provide
          Planned         this prepares men to         Preside

2. Courting: Once we know about what we want we can start courting, which is doing a variety of activities with one person. You should do as many different activities as you can so that you can find out this person's character.

3. Engagement: When you know that this is the person you want to be with then get engaged. This should be the hardest part of this process.

4. Marriage: Only after you are married should you move in together and combine two lives into one. If you have done all of the steps before this, your marriage will have the best chance of lasting.

GENDER ROLES

There are differences between males and females that help make a better family life. Men and women behave differently and have different tendencies. These tendencies help them to accomplish their roles as mothers and fathers. Let me show you.

                  Roles                                                                      Tendencies
      female            male                                            female                           male
*nurturing           *provide                              *emotionally aware            *task oriented
*serving              *protect                               *communication                 *aggressive
*emotional          *preside                              *eye contact                        *spacial oriented
intelligence                                                     *relationship oriented    

Now let me explain. Men tend to be more aggressive, task and spacial oriented. How do those help him better fit his roles as provider, protector, and the one who presides? Some of them are obvious, if he is more aggressive he can be a better protector. I'm not talking about abusive men, but when his family is in danger he can bring out his aggression and make them safe. It could also be aggressive in work or their faith, they will work harder and try better to fill their callings in their church if they are aggressive. Men are also more task oriented. When they are at work they are thinking of work, when they are at home they're thinking of home. Isn't that the way we ladies want it to be?

Women have the tendencies to be more emotionally aware, better communicators, and are relationship oriented. That helps us in our roles as mothers to nurture and serve our children and offer them emotional support. Women can usually tell if someone else is having a bad day or someone just needs their help with something. That's what makes them better nurturers and servers. They are generally more aware of a lot of things so they can keep track of where their children are, what to make for dinner, what needs done around the house, who has what appointment.

Men and women combine to make the best setting for raising children. They are supposed to be different, it's a good thing. Since they are different we can have two specialists in the home. If they were the same the children of this world would turn out lacking so many things. They wouldn't get the lessons they need in order to survive our world.

WHY HAVE A FAMILY?

For me there are certain purposes of a family:
 Bring children into the world
 Help people become more like God
 Teach gospel truths

Families are designed to bring children into the world through the bonds of marriage. That is why there is a man and a woman. They are both needed to have and raise children. Children learn skills from both the mother and the father. Through the mother, children learn kindness, helpfulness, creativeness, love, spiritualness, organization... Through the father they learn determination, hard work, to try new things, power of the priesthood... Both of the parents teach respect and communication skills. Elder Robert D. Hales in his Conference talk "The Eternal Family" states that "the home is where we are nurtured and where we prepare ourselves for living in mortality."

Families are designed to help people become more Godlike. Elder David A. Bednar said that "the natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other." Men and women were designed to be different so that they could assist each other in the journey to exaltation. President Kimball once said something along the lines of, they are different enough that they can compliment each other, but alike enough that they can understand each other. We shouldn't envy the differences between them, we should understand the beautiful basics in the differences and act accordingly. In another class I have we were talking about Moses 1:39 "For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass immortality and the eternal life of man." We talked about how women are needed for the immortality part and men are needed for the eternal life part. Without them both we would not get anywhere. Men and women are to complete each other not compete with each other.

Families are supposed to teach gospel truths. Not just gospel truths but every truths. Parent's cannot just send their children to school or to church and expect them to learn what's important. That's the parent's job. Parents need to teach their children the basics in life and give them a solid foundation where they can build off of. Then church and school or any other places can build on the knowledge the children already have.

Without the family our society would perish.

THANK YOU MOM AND DAD

I have never really appreciated my family as much as I should. While I was in class today I realized that my family is so amazing. We were talking about family dynamics and I heard so many things that I thought were alarming, but most everyone else passed off as being "normal". My classmates were talking about how their parents are divorced, and how they live with one of their parents, or how their siblings and them fight a lot. It was weird to me. Let me tell you about the dynamics of my family. My parents are always in charge, they work together as a team. My dad usually has the final say in something, but the major decisions are made together. My siblings and I got along the vast majority of the time. I only ever remember fighting with my younger brother, usually about meaningless things and we got over it an hour or so later. We all enjoyed family vacations even when it meant fitting all nine of us in our suburban to drive for hours. One time I remember my dad went to go rent a motor home and he was talking to the dealer and the dealer was surprised that my dad was going to have all of us drive around the country together. However, when my dad told us about this encounter all of us thought it was weird that the dealer was so surprised.

Of course we aren't the perfect family and there have maybe been a few rifts here and there. I do remember as I was growing up that I wished I had the "best friend" mom that other girls I knew had, but looking back I am so glad that wasn't the case. My mom was my leader, and my rock, someone I could look up to. I always had other friends, but I only had one person that I could base my life on. I think the reason that my family is so close and functional is that my parents based rearing their children on values and principles of the Gospel. Every morning before school (sometimes insanely early) we would read have scripture study as a family, then we would have family prayer, and then we would eat breakfast together (a real breakfast: pancakes, eggs, french toast, biscuits, oatmeal, we only got cereal on Sundays). My parents did this every morning without fail. We also ate dinner as a family and had family prayer at night before we went to bed. My parents also regularly attended the temple.

I don't mean to brag about my family, but they are awesome. Since it's Mother's Day weekend I thought it was only fitting to tell my parents and even my siblings that I love them and that I am so glad I was put into this family. Thank you mom and dad for raising me with a solid foundation.

CHILDREN ARE AN HERITAGE

One of the problems in today's world is that people think it is their responsibility to inform a couple about the problems that can happen during pregnancy and that there is no need to have children at all and if they do have children to only have one or two. That if they do want children to wait until after they have finished schooling, have a career, and do whatever else because after having children their life is going to be over. My sister posted THIS on Facebook and I thought it was awesome and it goes right along with my thoughts today. It explains the need to not listen to those people so eloquently. 

My thoughts on this is that no one should have any say in a couple's childbearing decisions except the couple and God. For my own family, I want to have as many children as God blesses me and my husband with. I want nothing more than to stay at home with my children and teach them and learn from them. I think that once we realize that our children came from God and are His children that He has given to us for this temporary amount of time, they will not be a burden that we have to deal with instead they will be a blessing. 

WELCOME!

Hello! And welcome to my blog. This particular blog was started for a class, and will be filled with my insights and thoughts about what we are learning. So, I think the first thing to do is to introduce myself...

My name is Vanessa and I am 20 something college student from Idaho with a love of children and learning. I enjoy hiking, camping, swimming, reading, and being with my family along with many other things. I love to smile and love a good laugh. I am also part of the LDS church or a Mormon. You can find out more about my religion here. 

My family is amazing! I couldn't have asked for a better one. I am the 6th of 7 children and have 2 sisters and 4 brothers, 3 sisters-in-law, a brother-in-law, 4 nieces and a nephew. We have so much fun together and my siblings are some of the best friends I have. 

I'm excited to share my thoughts and hope that you enjoy reading them.